Nothing was going right to begin with. I was constantly on edge and had no idea what I was doing with my life. My health was trash. My finances were wrecked. Nothing made sense anymore and then the layoff call came.
I didn’t expect it. But I didn’t not expect it.
My life had already started bleeding into my work. I was doing the best I could, but it wasn’t enough. And after losing my main source of income, I didn’t pivot. I didn’t rise from the ashes. I just paused.
Like literally,
I.
Just.
Paused.
I’d wake up and do a little something here and there for my business, so it looked like I was still trying. But it was empty. A bunch of busy nothing. I was performing productivity and hoping it would trick my brain into believing I was fine.
I knew exactly what needed to be done. I saw the path clearly. And every day the algorithm threw it in my face like some cruel joke. The glow-ups. The “turned my layoff into a 6-figure business” fairytales. The pivot queens landing Forbes articles before their final HR call was over.
That wasn’t me.
All I did was freeze.
I overthought. I spiraled. I worried about how I’d be perceived more than I focused on surviving. I didn’t want people to think I was struggling, so I just disappeared.
I didn’t pivot. I panicked. I paused. I ghosted everything.
While the world kept spinning, I sat in the quiet trying to figure out how to be okay again. Wondering if people thought I’d just given up.
The truth is, I didn’t stop dreaming. I just didn’t believe I had permission to show up messy. I thought I had to be polished or not at all.
What if they judged the chaos?
What if they saw all the unfinished ideas, the failed launches, the burnout sitting in my eyes?
Every day I’d say “today’s the day I start” and then do nothing. Just a cycle of half-hearted effort and false starts. Whispered promises to myself that more was coming.
But nothing comes when you’re hiding. You can’t build a breakthrough if you’re not even in the room.
Yeah, some people can post one thing and blow up. But that’s their path. Mine takes more than that. I’ve learned that shame feeds on silence, and silence is no place to build a life.
shame feeds on silence
It took months to get okay again. Not just in work. Not just mentally. But okay enough to be seen. I used to overshare everything, then I went quiet, then I just didn’t know what version of me was allowed to exist online.
Now I’m figuring out how to share again. Not for validation. Not for performance. But to reconnect. With myself. With my voice. With the people who’ve been here even when I wasn’t saying much.
I still have big goals. I still want to lead, build, and change the game. That hasn’t changed. But none of it will happen if I keep hitting pause. And it’s not even just the pausing. It’s staying paused too long that kills it.
That’s what cost me.
But I’m thawing now. Slowly.
And this, this is me pressing play again.
It started small.
Journaling before bed just to empty the noise.
Taking slow walks without guilt.
Creating without needing it to be content.
Letting myself rest without feeling useless.
Letting myself try again without pretending to have it all figured out.
I started facing my finances. No more ignoring the mess. I made a list. I looked at the numbers. I started chipping away. It wasn’t magical. But it was real. It was me trying.
I’ve been trying to treat my health the same way. Drinking more water. Actually sleeping. Taking my supplements like they matter. Eating when I should, not when the crash comes. Small wins, but still wins.
And most importantly, I stopped waiting to be perfect before showing up again.
The stories I’m telling. The businesses I’m building. The healing I’m doing. They’re all part of this next chapter. They matter. I matter. Even if I’m still figuring it out.
If you’re in the in-between too, the weird, awkward space between who you were and who you’re trying to become, this is your sign.
You don’t have to fix it all before you start again.
You just have to start.
📢 PROMO
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UP13 is where I write from the messy middle, somewhere between “figuring it out” and “faking nothing.” If this isn’t your vibe or you’re just not into long-form honesty right now, that’s cool. Opt out anytime. I’ll still be over here, typing through the chaos with love 💌 and decent enough grammar ✍️.
A girl, probably. 